Wednesday, July 01, 2015

Why Journal? (Tip/Reason #1)

This site is about how journaling and expressive writing can be tools for bettering your life. Starting today, a series of weekly tips will be posted. The first several are reasons—rather than tips—to consider starting a journal. However, for consistency, these reasons will be categorized as tips.


Tip #1 – Why Journal?

It is a terrific way to chronicle your life—the ups and downs, triumphs and challenges, milestones and every-day occurrences, interactions with family, friends, and colleagues, as well as all the interests and ideas that comprise your unique existence. It also provides information about the time period in which you reside. Your journal is a legacy, a gift of insights, knowledge, musings, inspiration, and historical context, that you can bestow to future generations, should you be so inclined.  

Monday, June 29, 2015

Sylvia and Me - June 1992

I became acquainted with Sylvia Plath in the spring of 1992 when I was cast in the play Letters Home, based on the book Letters Home, which is a compilation of the letters Sylvia wrote to her mother, Aurelia, from the time she entered Smith College in 1952 until her suicide in 1963. No, I was not cast as Sylvia, but rather at the ripe old age of twenty-six, her sixty-seven-year-old mother. Still, I was up to the challenge and very excited to have the opportunity to perform in my first two-person show.

In addition to studying the script, I read the book, but I still wanted to learn as much about Sylvia’s life as possible in order to play her mother more convincingly. I visited libraries and bookstores seeking additional material on both women, but the jewel of my biographical treasure hunt was a small paperback titled The Journals of Sylvia Plath. I was riveted by her writing, the way she utilized language to record events and feelings, her desires and dislikes, the obsession about her talent as a writer and her career. Reading this book inspired me to start my own journal and use it to develop my character so that I would embody Aurelia Schober Plath by opening night.
I ventured to the bookstore once again and found the area where journals were displayed. My goal was to select the perfect one to commence my writing adventure, and it didn’t take long to find it. I had taken several art history courses in college and was particularly fond of styles popular in Europe and Russia from around 1850 through the 1940s, so when I spotted a journal with George Seurat’s masterpiece Sunday Afternoon on the Island of La Grande Jatte, I knew it was to be mine. The pages were unlined and a white cloth marker was attached so that I could easily mark where the next entry should start.
I immediately put pen to paper once home. Here is an excerpt from that initial journal post:
June 9 – Tuesday:
I bought this gorgeous journal today. I love the cover: Seurat’s pointillism technique is fascinating…
Since I’ve been studying Sylvia Plath’s life—reading her letters, poetry, and journals, the desire to record feelings and events in my own life has become very intense. Today, I decided after the play is over, I’m going to contact some agencies in Indianapolis and see if I can get an agent and some commercial work. I’ve got to do something to earn more money and what better way to do it than by acting—what I love to do—and gain some experience at the same time.
Reading Sylvia’s journals and letters, my writing seems so amateurish and trite. The way she expresses herself and the eloquent language she uses—impeccably structured sentences and an extensive vocabulary—sparks a bit of jealousy because I’ve always thought writing a story, play, or novel would be so gratifying.
Doing this play has me totally consumed with knowing Sylvia, even though I play her mother, Aurelia. However, what better way to portray a mother than knowing her daughter intimately, and how the daughter feels about the mother, whether positive or negative. Sylvia’s life was fascinating (so was Aurelia’s), and I feel extremely fortunate to have been given this opportunity. Tomorrow I start memorizing Act II. Laura [director] says tomorrow in rehearsal we’re going to solidify Act I blocking then Thursday, start blocking Act II.
My first journal
Throughout that rehearsal period, I recorded thoughts about my character and her relationship to her daughter, explored the actions, reactions, tactics, and objectives Aurelia (I) would use, and created a detailed biography—all those wonderful explorations actors undertake in fleshing out their characters to make them believable and interesting. Through rehearsals and opening night until closing, I continued to write about my character, my performance, and the audiences—documenting the nuances of the entire experience. I felt a genuine sense of fulfillment and pride taking on that role and stretching my acting capabilities. Furthermore, I am glad that time period and that accomplishment are captured in a journal because those entries reveal how much I have grown over the years both as a professional and a person.
Writing in my journal eventually became a habit, though not necessarily a daily one. I can go weeks without writing a word, then at other times an all-consuming event or problem holds my attention and I write daily, even multiple times a day. It is an integral part of my life, and the journey continues. Thank you, Sylvia, for the inspiration.

Please let me know in the comments: Why did you begin journal writing? What did your first journal look like?

Monday, August 18, 2014

Welcome to Writing Life

Welcome to the Writing Life. I have been blogging about myriad topics since 2004. Although this blog was initially a means to keep family and friends abreast of my progress when I was going through treatments for leukemia, it quickly became an extension of my private journal. Here I could publicly share my thoughts and write essays about revelations I had during my recovery period. That blog eventually evolved into more of a political one with personal musings and people profiles interspersed throughout—basically, a hodge-podge of all my interests.

When I examine the journal writing I have done over the past two decades, it is amazing the discoveries I’ve uncovered about myself and my world. My book, Rebirth, was the result of the journaling I did during my cancer treatment period from December 14, 2003 through December 31, 2004. It chronicles my life as a cancer patient and survivor, including my hospital admissions for chemotherapy and bone marrow transplant. I published a second edition of that book in 2014.

Post-cancer, I developed Writing for Your Life, a journal writing workshop for cancer survivors. The New York City chapter of the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society was kind enough to offer space at their location even though the workshop was designed for all cancer survivors, not only blood cancer ones. In addition, I talk about the value of expressive writing in my speeches at cancer and health-related conferences, so yes, I believe in the transformative and healing power of the written word; and there is research that supports this. Furthermore, as a performer, I believe all creative endeavors have power and value.

My musings here will span a variety of topics developed through the lens of how writing and other creative activity furthers personal and career goals, aids in maneuvering through transitional periods, overcoming adversity, uncovering and facing old wounds that need to be healed, and manifesting the life you envision. These tools, useful in the personal and career realms, can also help facilitate ideas and actions for change in your community and the world. My personal writings and observations, as well as those of others who embrace the power and art of writing, will be shared throughout these posts. Words help create ideas, ideas promote action, and action manifests change.

In the movie, Forrest Gump, Forrest’s mother tells him that: “Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re gonna get.” The future is unknown. Surprises—welcome or not —confront us each day, even each moment. Some people sail through life’s challenges and vicissitudes with more ease than others. Perhaps this is because they are naturally more laid-back and deal with adversity better. However, we can all survive and thrive by developing strategies that help us prepare to cope when life throws us curve balls.

My goal is to provide some strategies you will find helpful on this fabulous, sometimes frustrating and scary journey called life. I prefer to call it an adventure. As you follow me here, I hope you come to see it as an adventure too. If you already do, well, then let’s make it an even more fantastic one. Here’s to writing your life and a better world. Cheers!

Saturday, June 01, 2013

Celebrating my Second Birthday Today...Nine Years Since BMT

Today I celebrate my second birthday. I am nine years old. The anniversary of my bone marrow transplant is always a time for celebration, even if it’s only me celebrating. It is amazing to me that it has been nine years. I remember it quite vividly, yet at the same time, it seems an eternity ago. So much has happened in the nine years since I wrote the following:

Excerpt from Rebirth:
June 1, 2004 - Tuesday, Transplant Day (Rebirth Day)  Day 0

As the day wore on and the time approached for Barbara’s stem cells to be transfused into me, sorrow replaced anxiety. I am losing a part of me as her stem cells replace mine and begin producing her blood in my body. My blood type will change from O- to O+, which is Barbara’s blood type. This changing of blood type is somewhat unsettling to me. However, I also view this day as one of rebirth—another birthday to celebrate. It is extraordinary how this whole bone marrow transplant process works. It is truly miraculous. And not only is this a physical rebirth, but because of all the self-reflection and positive changes I’m attempting to make in my life, it is a spiritual and emotional rebirth as well. So despite feeling melancholy over what I’m losing, there is excitement and anticipation about what I’m gaining. I thank God for the new stem cells that will generate new and healthy blood in my body and grant me a second chance at life.

Around 3:30 p.m., Dr. Hsu, another physician in Dr. Goldberg’s oncology group, administered the blood transfusion. The transplant was a slow intravenous infusion through my catheter of the bone marrow collected from Barbara. Karen B was already stationed at my bedside and Karen waltzed into the room just minutes before the doctor began the procedure. The transplant, which took all of twenty minutes, was uneventful except for an intense scratchiness in my throat caused by the preservative in the blood. I was given Benadryl prior to the transfusion, which quickly sent me off to la-la land. Meanwhile, my sister and friend sat vigil, watching my blood pressure rise and fall, sometimes significantly, on the monitor. The nurses assured them that this was normal.

Andrew and I - he made his First Communion in 2012
My nephew Andrew turns nine in August; his age is a reminder of how many years ago my BMT took place. In a way Barbara gave birth to both of us in 2004—she was my bone marrow donor while pregnant with him. There is a very deep connection between me and that little boy, who is gorgeous and smart and funny. 

I feel lucky and so blessed to have not just lived, but thrived these past nine years. I don’t know why I survived and other cancer survivors I’ve known did not. All I know is that my life is a gift, and with that gift comes a responsibility to give back. I also try to enjoy and appreciate every day I’ve been granted since my cancer diagnosis. I wake up every morning, giving thanks for another day on this glorious planet, even when I’m highly disgruntled with current events in this country and around the world.

The biggest life lesson from my cancer experience is that not one of us is guaranteed tomorrow, so don’t put off doing activities, taking trips, or being with the people who are most important to you; or taking a risk to accomplish a long-desired goal that you have been too scared for one reason or another to pursue. Life is scary; taking risks is scary, but I’ve found those risks to be worth it.

I hear people lament all the time how life is not fair, and ask why do bad things happen to good people? Life is not fair—bad things happen to good people and wonderful things happen to terrible people; sometimes there seems to be no justice. However, and as much as I want justice, fairness, and equality to prevail, what matters is how you play the cards you are dealt. Do you fall apart and live with anger and fear, or do you embrace [accept] what is and figure out how to live your life in the best way possible for you and for those who interact with you at any given moment?

One of my favorite stories that Thich Nhat Hanh includes in his book The Miracle of Mindfulness is Leo Tolstoy’s “Three Questions.” Versions of the story vary slightly, but it is summarized below an the excerpt  from Rebirth.

April 6, 2004 – Tuesday

In The Miracle of Mindfulness, Thich Nhat Hanh recounts a story by Tolstoy about an emperor searching for the answer to three questions:

1. What is the best time to do each thing?
2. Who are the most important people to work with?
3. What is the most important thing to do at all times?

The answer is this:

Remember that there is only one important time and that is now. The present moment is the only time over which we have dominion. The most important person is always the person you are with, who is right before you, for who knows if you will have dealings with any other person in the future? The most important pursuit is making the person standing at your side happy, for that alone is the pursuit of life.

Often we forget that it is the very people around us that we must live for first of all.

Nine years later, I try to remember the answers to those questions and to be present whether I am with work colleagues, friends, or family members, especially those nieces and nephews whom I was not sure I’d live to see grow up, or even see some of them born. I love being an aunt. 

Today, as I celebrate my second birthday, I give thanks to all those who helped me through that difficult period: my amazing family and friends (many of whom are my "framily;" thanks Karen Burke for the new word!); my doctors, the nurses and aides at Hackensack University Medical Center--they were top-notch, caring professionals; and the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society, which has a special place in my heart, and the other cancer support organizations who work tirelessly to support survivors and their caregivers as well as to fund research to cure cancer.

Here's to the next nine years! 

Tuesday, April 16, 2013

Life is Unpredictable, which is Why It's so Valuable

December 21, 2003 - "It is said that life is unpredictable. Well, that is an understatement. I have leukemia--cancer. Never in my life did I imagine the word "cancer" could, or would, be associated with me."

This was a journal entry I wrote three days into my hospital stay after my leukemia diagnosis and how I opened Part I of my book, Rebirth. In just one day, December 18, 2003, my life shifted dramatically. This is the day I return to when tragic events happen. So yesterday when I heard about the bombing in Boston at the marathon, as when I heard about the school shooting in Newtown, Connecticut, in December and the devastation Superstorm Sandy wrought upon thousands of residents in the Northeast in late October, my heart broke again, knowing many lives would be shifting dramatically. Furthermore, many of those running in the marathon were doing so to raise money for cancer research and programs, so to me, it seemed personal.
In Boston, three people died, one, an eight-year old boy. Over 100 were injured, many losing limbs. It is horrific events like these that leave us feeling helpless and scared because of the unpredictability and devastation; we long to make sense of the tragedy and destruction. How do we protect ourselves from mass shootings and bombings, or from natural disasters when the damage exceeds what the experts may have been forecasting? The answer is: we can't. 

Bombings happen all the time around the globe. Western countries are largely spared these incidents, so when they happen, it is shocking and shakes us at our core. But I wonder, in places like Iraq and Syria where bombings happen frequently, do citizens ever get used to it? Or do they live in terror every day? My guess is they live in terror every day and try to survive, doing the best they can for themselves and their families.

I know I am not alone when I say these acts of terror—and they are terror, maybe not terrorism because that has a political component to it, but it is terror nonetheless—sadden and confuse me because of the senseless loss of innocent lives. How can someone care so little about their fellow human beings, people they don't even know? As someone who deeply empathizes with human suffering it is agonizing to watch, to witness people's fear and grief. How do we exist in such an uncaring, cold world?

Nature, while beautiful, is brutal and powerful. Mere human beings are no competition in the face of a tsunami, earthquake, hurricane, or tornado. If they are lucky enough to find protection from Mother Nature's wrath, they survive. Human beings are horrible to one another. We treat each other cruelly and despicably, in varying degrees, from nasty comments to those with whom we disagree to bullying, torture, and human trafficking of children and women into the sex trade, and yes, killing one another. The way we treat each other is truly an abomination.

The only way to cope with the incomprehensibility of it all is to focus on what we can control and on gratitude. We have no control over outside forces, even when we think we do. So what can we control? The only thing I've found I can control is my own actions and how I respond in any given situation. I also try to focus on all that is wonderful in my life.

I am thankful for my family: both of my parents are still alive, and I have a great relationship with them; my sisters are my best friends; their children are like my own. I didn't know nine years ago when I was going through cancer treatments if I would see Aidan and Andrew grow up, but Aidan is now ten and Andrew is eight and they have a little sister who will be seven on May 1. My other sister has a daughter who just turned eight and a son who is five. How lucky am I?

My friends are amazing and my day job allows me a decent income and flexibility to pursue my dreams and goals. Again, how lucky am I? When a senseless tragedy happens, we must mourn the losses and acknowledge them, but we must also remember the positives in our own lives. I still believe there are far more good people residing in this world than evil ones. Sadly, it is the evil ones who more often capture our attention.

Fellow Everblogger E.A. Hauck shared a quote from Fred Rogers (I loved Mr. Rogers) yesterday which I had forgotten. It was a needed reminder that while we pay attention to the tragedy, we shouldn't forget the helpers. It is during tragedy that the best part of us is revealed as we care for the injured and support each other, so look for the helpers—there are many and we thank them.


When I speak at cancer conferences or events, I end my talks with: "None of us, whether healthy or sick, rich or poor, young or old, are guaranteed tomorrow. Live each day to the fullest. The past is gone, the future hasn't arrived; the present is all we have, so embrace it."

Peace to all.

Tuesday, December 18, 2012

2012 Review and Reflections

At the end of each year, I take stock of all that I accomplished…and didn’t. After several years of moving forward in the acting realm, progress came to a screeching halt in April. The SAG-AFTRA merger in March actually led to less auditions, and I couldn’t get motivated to prepare for and pay to meet casting directors and agents at networking companies such as One on One and Actor’s Connection. Why? My focus was elsewhere.

My volunteer work in the cancer community was less active than in previous years, aside from speaking engagements at a few cancer conferences. Book sales for Rebirth were lackluster because marketing it this year was hardly a priority. My current thinking is that the book is out there in cyberspace and available to whomever may need it. Who knows, it may someday be a best seller, if I ever become a well-known commodity or a savvier promoter. But again, my focus was elsewhere.

So where was my focus? The answer is on France and politics. These two topics consumed me because this was my first trip to Paris—my first time in Europe, for that matter—and it was a Presidential election year.

 Planning for Paris was a blast and I delved into it with effortless zeal, reading Fodor’s France and Paris travel books and other books on Paris, brushing up on my language skills, and listening to French radio every morning on my smart phone on the way into the city (I still do) and to French music on the walk from the Port Authority to the my office on Park Avenue.

I ventured to Paris on my own. Furthermore, this was my first solo trip overseas, which was both frightening and exhilarating. I discovered that I was much more courageous and outgoing than I ever imagined and met some wonderful people. Paris was magical—one of the best experiences of my life and quite the adventure.

My October 15 post “Solo in Paris” details much of my trip in words and images, if interested in reading about it.

Once I returned from Paris on September 7, it was all about the election. I was transfixed on it. Reading blogs and news sites and watching news programs were all-consuming. Then there was the massive research and writing of blog posts I published on my own site. While I do write to persuade and share information, much of my writing is for me alone. Writing helps me formulate the reasons why I support certain positions and believe what I believe.

An enormous amount of time was spent researching, writing, and paying attention to politics and current events. I loved it even though often times it made—and still does make—me crazy, frustrated, and anxious. Then in a flash, the election was over (like Paris, here and gone) and the end of the year was near.

So, what did I accomplish this year? Well, it’s not an accomplishment, but I learned that I love to travel. I experienced several “firsts.” Paris and Las Vegas were cities I visited for the first time and traveled to both alone. In Las Vegas, I participated in a young adult cancer conference and being there by myself forced me out of my shell, to meet new people and engage with them. I also met author and healthcare activist Wendell Potter in Vegas. I emailed him before the conference to let him know I was attending and would enjoy meeting him. That bit of audacity paid off because every now and then we correspond over email.

With Wendell Potter

Another author I met this year was David Downie. He wrote one of the books, Paris, Paris: Journey into the City of Light, I read prior to my French vacation. I reached out to him via email a couple weeks before my trip and he was kind enough to meet me for coffee and sign my book. A couple months later, he checked in on me after Hurricane Sandy, and I wrote a glowing review for his book on Amazon.

With David Downie
These two author meetings happened because I took the initiative to reach out and ask for what I wanted. I did this in other areas of my life too with the results being that I met smart, accomplished people who may open the door for job opportunities down the road; and at the very least, my initiative afforded me interesting encounters, expanding my social and career networks. I am not naturally a connector, as many of my business-oriented friends are, but I am working on it.

Another first was NFL business travel. I assisted with the Club Business Development Sales & Marketing Conference in Chicago in November. This offered me the chance to be more involved with the work my group does and to meet many of the Club personnel with whom my relationships have been solely through online interactions. Now I am able to put faces to names and they know me, which is valuable in any occupation.

I realized this year that my interests are changing. I still love acting and should a role come along I really want to tackle, of course, I would jump at it. (I’m hoping for the opportunity to perform in Cincinnati in the next year or two – fingers crossed.)

However, over the past few years when out with my friends, even actor ones, I was not discussing acting; I was talking politics, and quite passionately. Recently I thought to myself, ‘Politics and current events are what I pay attention to the vast majority of the time. I read, research, write, and formulate ideas…’ then flash—‘this is how I should be making a living, or run for office, if I can muster the courage.’ I even explored what it would take to run for political office in March by attending a training program hosted by Emily's List and Eleanor's Legacy.

Emily's List - Political Opportunity Program - March 2012
Yet still, I find it impossible to release the image of my being an actor. It has been such a huge part of who I am for almost twenty years. How do you let go of an ingrained identity? This I believe is the biggest reason why I often feel stuck these days. I try to move forward, yet find myself clinging to the idea of a life I’m not even sure I want anymore.

Happily, I have come to a conclusion: I don’t have to shed my actor identity because it is a part of who I am regardless of if I am actively doing it at any given point in time. I have performance credits and skills and can return to acting at anytime. Just because other interests are pursued doesn’t mean performing is finished forever. Plus there are other avenues of performance: speaking and reporting, maybe even returning to cabaret and ballroom dancing, including swing and salsa. There are many options.

So, back to the question: What did I accomplish this year? A lot actually, but most importantly, the picture is clearer, though still a bit hazy, for where I am headed career-wise. I have amassed a sizable body of writing over the past eight years: my blog, a blog on Open Salon, my book, Rebirth, and a couple of published articles. I am a writer and an analyst. I can use my theatre, film, and speaking skills for on-camera reporting or anchoring, even if I create my own platform on YouTube. There are numerous ideas churning around in my brain, so I am a bit overwhelmed. Where to start? That is the question. If any of you have suggestions or contacts, I would love to hear them.

For now, I am going to spend the remainder of the year enjoying time with family and friends, not obsessing about politics or the “fiscal cliff” or thinking about careers, or anything else. Focus on the personal aspects of my life and give thanks for everyone and everything in it. Many friends’ families this year are dealing with cancer, other illnesses, divorce, and grieving for loved ones who passed away recently. Last Friday’s school shooting in Newtown, CT, was a stark reminder of how fleeting and fragile life is, and how circumstances beyond our control can bring about unspeakable sorrow in an instant. Never take those we love for granted.

Nine years ago today I was diagnosed with leukemia. It seems unbelievable that many years have passed. One thing I learned—and there were many lessons—during my treatment period was to live fully in the present. It is the one lesson I have consistently done well to remember and practice. The here and now is all we have. Don’t ignore it, no matter how mundane or unimportant it may seem.

On Thanksgiving Day, I saw a quote on Twitter that I felt compelled to share on Facebook. I think it bears repeating here:

"Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things."
- Robert Brault

Christmas 2011 in Tell City, IN (One of the big things!)
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to all!

Tuesday, October 30, 2012

Alone with Sandy: Journaling, Blogging, and Interacting with Friends on Facebook

October 29 - Monday

I recall the summer of 2003 when the entire Northeast went dark due to a power grid failure. It was about 4:00 pm and shortly thereafter, my brother-in–law was on his way to pick me up. However, that plan was foiled because he was not allowed entry to any road close to the Lincoln Tunnel, so I was stuck, for the duration, in West New York, New Jersey by myself.  It was an opportunity for me to meet some of my neighbors, as everyone was outside, walking around and gathering in the various parks along Boulevard East.

Once the sun went down, it became quite eerie. The New York City skyline, which is usually brilliantly lit, was dark with only a few emergency lights visible in the buildings.  I was without electricity for less than 24 hours, mine restored the following morning.

I would’ve preferred being with my family, but at least I was able to get outside and wander about. Today, that is not a possibility. I am alone in my apartment, waiting out Hurricane Sandy and a Northeaster. I am feeling isolated because I am stuck indoors. I could’ve gone to my sister’s home yesterday, but I couldn’t get myself motivated to pull belongings together and get on a train. Thankfully, my friends on Facebook are staying in contact with me, as long as I continue to be able to access the Internet, which as of now, I can. Plus I have my journal so will document my day in those pages and here.

It is 11:59 a.m. and the storm is intensifying.  The forecasters had originally predicted winds of up to 70-75 mph, but now it appears they could top 90 mph at the peak of the storm, and those winds are said to be at skyscraper levels. I am on the 10th floor of my building (not a skyscraper), so I removed all objects—pictures, candles, fans—that are in front of my windows, in case there should be any breakage. As the winds increase, I’ll need to close my blinds. I like to see what’s going on outside, but should a window break the blinds will stop some of the glass from shattering into the apartment.

I have water in my bathtub and in some large pans and three gallons of purified drinking water in my refrigerator as well as iced tea; a flashlight and candles (though they tell us not to use candles); and my iPhone and computer remain plugged in and charged. If the electricity should go out, I want them fully charged and will have to use the phone sparingly.  Fortunately, I am not in a low-lying area, so flooding isn’t one of my concerns. High winds and possible power outages are what my area will experience. If there isn’t a power outage, I will be extremely happy.

At this time, there really isn’t a huge amount of storm activity in my area, aside from some heavy winds now and again, so the threat of the storm doesn’t feel so inevitable, though I know it is. Watching the news, I see that the worst of the storm is expected to hit NYC and northern NJ, exactly where I live.  The sky that was gray earlier is now white.

 12:44 pm – I am making some lunch, using my oven while I still have electricity. I kept hearing a sound that seemed like someone was moving furniture around in another apartment. I turned down the television and am now pretty sure it is the wind that I am hearing. I slightly opened my bedroom window to see if I could hear anything unusual outdoors but the gust that met me was jolting, so I closed the window immediately.  I also stepped outside my apartment to see if anyone was in the hallway, but it was empty. I have a feeling a neighbor left a window open and is not home to close it. I also keep hearing the sound of a door shaking and it is not mine. Noises always make me uncomfortable when I cannot determine the source.

Time to eat lunch.

1:04 pm – The news is reporting the lowest barometric pressure ever recorded for a storm like this – 943.  High tide will coincide with the peak time of this storm later today, which means coastal areas are going to get hit hard with flooding. The storm is predicted to be at its strongest when it hits land. Plus it is the largest hurricane ever in the Northeast. I just looked outside, and the sky is getting even whiter and there is less visibility to the west. New Jersey is already reporting over 32,000 people without power, over 2,500 in NYC.

1:50 pm – Hurricane Sandy is about 3-4 hours from making landfall.  There is now an extreme threat level along the North Atlantic coast. The gusting winds are expected to bring down tree branches and cause widespread power outages.

I find it disturbing that there are still so many people out in this weather, looking at the waves and flood areas as if this is a benign and amusing phenomenon. It is dangerous and they are not only putting their lives at risk, but also those of emergency responders.  It’s irresponsible and careless.  At some point, emergency responders will not be able to help them nor will they be required to assist until after the worst of the storm system has subsided.

One of my biggest fears of being outside when it is very windy is that objects can get disconnected from buildings or tree branches fall off. These can land on a person, not only hurting them, but killing them. We hear about scenarios such as this all the time.  It’s a morbid thought, I know, but it’s what I think about during severe weather situations. I agree with Governor Christie: “Don’t be stupid. Get out.” He is talking to residents along the coast and flood-prone areas.

2:11 pm – I just saw on Facebook that Dave and Amy’s electricity went out. They live in Flemington, NJ. I still have power. I spoke with Karen a while ago. She called from Cincinnati to check in on me. I told her I’d keep her posted. I had an email from Mom this morning (I did respond to it) and plan to call her in a little while when there is something more to report. Right now, the storm seems rather timid. Of course, I am not outdoors so am not experiencing the heavy winds on my person. 

I also received a text message from a co-worker informing me that the NFL is going to be closed tomorrow. I figured as much and hadn’t planned on going in even if they decided to open. Thanks, Bobby, for keeping me updated on that front.

2:38 pm – Mom just called. I promised to keep her updated and she told me to fill some small containers full of water and keep them in my freezer. More ice will keep the freezer cold for a longer period of time in case the power goes out.

2:43 pm – Oh, oh – light flicker.

2:56 pm – A crane is perilously hanging from a building at 57th St and 7th Ave. in Manhattan.  The roads are closed near the building.  Apparently, it was secured but the winds are so strong that it has become dislodged. This is not good. Residents are outside trying to get photos. They need to get inside and let the city officials and safety workers do what they need to do, which is clear the area. (People were eventually evacuated from the area.)

There is nothing they can do in this weather to remedy the situation until after the storm. They are estimating at that height, over 1,000 feet up, the winds are 55-60 mph.  This building, One57, is a 90-story luxury condo. It is under construction and will be the tallest residential building in New York.

I still have power…and hope to still have it once darkness falls.

3:30 pm – Sounds like Sandy is going to hit land a few hours earlier than expected, which means the worst winds will pass the area sooner as well. I’m tired of waiting; I just want it over. The wind is really picking up. I hear threatening gusts every now and then…quite loud ones, in fact. I can see debris fly past my window every now and then, and I’m up relatively high. I can’t determine if t he debris is flying off the roofs of other buildings or mine.

PSG&E has been and are preparing for power outages in NJ.  Right now, they are working to restore power due to downed wires.

Gov. Cuomo (NY) is closing the Tappan Zee Bridge at 4:00 pm.

I have been on Facebook connecting with friends and even posting music, YouTube storm-appropriate titled music that is: Scorpions – Rock You Like a Hurricane and REO Speedwagon – Ridin’ the Storm Out. I have to retain a sense of humor.

4:19 pm - I’ve spent the day flipping from the Weather Channel, ABC 7 for New York News, and 12 News New Jersey.  They are showing pictures of downed trees on channel 12; one tree fell on a house. It may seem like I’m wasting my day engrossed in this storm, but I feel like I am experiencing it fully. I’m not thinking about yesterday or tomorrow or what I have to do in the next week. I’m right in the moment.

For the first time since this storm began, heavy rain is falling in addition to big wind gusts. We are about an hour and a half from landfall. The George Washington Bridge is scheduled to close at 7:00 pm. As far as I know, the Lincoln Tunnel is still open, but the Holland Tunnel is now closed.

5:00 pm – Time to open the Sauvignon Blanc.  My friend Mike M fears I will get so tanked I won’t be able to make good decisions.  No worries, Mike, I can handle it, and I’m not going to drink the whole bottle, though it is tempting. – LOL.

My windows on the north side are getting hammered with rain and wind. All I have to do is walk in my bedroom to get a reality check about how wild the storm is becoming. The intensity is less apparent in the living room because the window faces west. The rain and wind seem to be blowing south and west, which is weird because Sandy is approaching us from the southeast – first heading northeast then turning westward.

Lincoln Tunnel is now closed.

6:32 pm – Spent the last hour talking with my friend Mike W from Chicago, who called to check in, and then I called Mom to report in to her. Sandy is making landfall, but I still have power. I opened my window and though the wind is definitely rustling loudly through the tree leaves, the rain has subsided. The air smells so fresh, ahh…

It is now dark, which makes it difficult to assess what is going on outside. However, the lights in the streets and buildings around me remain on. This is a great exercise in letting go and releasing my need to control the situation. It is what it is.

Karen C just called. She is fine but her lights are flickering on and off. We spoke only briefly and will touch base tomorrow.

50 feet of the Atlantic City boardwalk is gone. 14,000 flights in area airports have been grounded. I keep hearing sirens along Boulevard East.

7:24 pm – Lights flickered.

Just heard on Hardball – 2.2 million homes are without power. Okay, really heavy winds blowing now…my apartment door is shaking and no windows are open.

7:48 pm – I have one of my living room windows open, and I can hear the wind clearly through the leaves—this gorgeous, intense rustling sound, but again, not much rain. The power remains on. The news is stating that this will be the worst of it from now until 2:00 am Tuesday.  If this is the worst, I’ll be a very happy camper. I can hear sirens though not sure what is happening in my area. Yes, there is some lightening…didn’t know that would happen. (Learned later that it was a transformer exploding in the distance.)

8:03 pm – Okay, I think the storm’s strength has finally shown itself now! I just closed my one living room window; holy crap—very loud and very strong winds. I thought this system hit a couple hours ago; it seems that it did not. I just opened my window again and yes, it is definitely at strength I’ve not yet experienced.

8:08 pm – Lights flickering…fascinated by the intensity of it all.  Window is open—peering out, I am transfixed by the wind. It’s almost a perverse curiosity about the extent and breadth of the damage and disruption to life this storm is causing. There are huge wind gusts, roaring. Another flicker of light…

8:21 pm – Barbara and Dan have been without power since 5:00 pm. I just sent her a text message. Ryan sent me a text inquiring about my safety. Then I looked out the window and to the southeast saw this huge flash of light—another transformer exploding.

By the way, the crane in NYC is still holding steady to the building, and I still have power. I’m hearing many sirens.

 8:34 pm – The lights did go out on Boulevard East and in some buildings across the street from me, but my lights remain on.  At this point, I’m feeling completely blessed.

Flicker…lights still on. Sirens again…

On TV, it is reported that if the weather doesn’t improve before October 31, Gov. Christie says he will sign an Executive order to reschedule Halloween so the kids can go trick-or-treating.  Thanks, Gov!

8:41 pm – Lights have been restored on Boulevard East. That was quick.

What??? I just heard the Lincoln Tunnel is still open. Seriously??? That can’t be right.

9:14 pm – Mom checked in again. My one window in the living room is open and no wind is blowing in. If this is the worst of it for me, I have been really lucky.

Power went off for a second, then back on…

9:31 pm – Just heard on the news – 2.2 million people are without power.

9:46 pm – I am feeling very humbled. So many friends and family were with me today via Facebook, email, and cell phone. I am thankful for their support and thoughts.

It is frightening to be alone in a storm, and one of this magnitude, is even scarier. Somehow, though, the storm, the wind, and the power grid worked in my favor. The area in which I live is about 150 feet above the Hudson River, and the population is large in this area and our dwellings are close together and compact, so there is not much open space. Those factors, I believe, protected me from most of Hurricane Sandy's devastation.  It is almost 10:00 pm and I still have power.

Southwest in Union City, the lights are out; I can see it from my window. I hear more sirens.

10:14 pm - 4 million customers are now without power in the path of the storm, ¼ of them in NY. My power is still on.

10:30 pm – I just received my last call from Mom. She’s going to bed. I am going to as well. Sandy was quite the adventure, though not so much for me. I was safe in my apartment and friends stayed connected in various ways. What a lucky woman I am.  A day I thought would be filled with anxiety and fear was one of love and engagement with people I care about.

Disasters are times when we all come together. Our differences don’t matter. I wish it were that way all the time. However, even if realistically it isn’t, when it really matters, we are there for one another and it doesn’t matter in other respects how we agree or disagree. We are friends and family and that is all that matters in the end.  What a day! Sandy, you weren’t all that bad—well, you were terrible, just not to me.

October 30 – The day after (10:30 am)

It’s still raining. Over 5 million people in the Northeast are without power, flooding is widespread. Half of Hoboken, NJ is under water.  Mass transit is still shut down. Gusts of wind remain strong. The crane is still hanging from the building in Manhattan and the subway is flooded in many locations. Virtually all of Newark and Jersey City are without power. However, Sandy’s wrath is waning. Now is recovery time. What a mess all over the region.

I've been watching the news this morning, and it is heartbreaking seeing all the people who lost loved ones, homes, and pets. Mother Nature while beautiful, can be deadly and vicious.

I did not sleep well last night. Sirens woke me periodically.  Thanks again to all my family and friends for hanging with me yesterday. I am blessed; I know that. I am very aware of it.